Life, liberty and the pursuit of randomosity

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2010-11-25T02:43:00.003-05:00

Life is beginning to unfold. I've fallen in love with someone who is exactly what I've been wanting for so long. I'm not even opposed to the hardships that are ahead. Well, besides convincing my parents that I'm not insane for moving to another country for someone they consider a stranger to me. Granted they're still stuck in the whole mindset of if you meet someone online it's bad. Dating that person is even worse.

Well...welcome to the modern age parents of mine. I've known this guy for 2 years, we've been friends for that long before anything romantic began. I adore him. Simply adore him. I'm talking foot popping, butterflies in the stomach traveling to my throat adore him. He is the only other person, besides my brother, who can tell me what to do without me getting annoyed. They both calm me down instantly when I'm emotionally high. I've been waiting for someone like that for so long. 27 years in fact.

It's just a downer, total mood killer knowing how opposed my parents are to it. Dad is uncertain because his little Princess is dating some guy from another country, really is Canada considered to be that different???, and mom is all "where does he stand with the Lord"....as if I haven't talked about it with her before. Yes, I'm fully aware our religious beliefs are not on equal footing. If I really was bothered by that do you THINK I would even be dating the man? All this talk of the end of the world and how we should be prepared...yeah I get it. God wants us prepared at a moments notice...I however am not going to put my life on halt mother dear.

Trying my best to see from their perspectives...but somehow I can't get my head that far up my...well you know. I want them to meet him and see what I see. Know the amazing man that I know...and if their mindset is still the same...well...as much as I'd like their blessing I don't need it. I'm perfectly fine moving and only talking to them occasionally. It would be pretty much how it is now, me avoiding the awkwardness of our now strained relations due to their divorce.

I'm not jumping headlong into this without thinking it through. I want them to see how happy I am, but get that I'm not being stupid. Neither is he, we're well aware of the hardships that are ahead. If/when things get to the point of marriage..... our relationship, which is strong due to open/honest communication, we will be ready.

Things will work out and I will be content. I'm happy and confident in my choice. I love him and he loves me. We actually communicate...a concept that is foreign to my parents. *sigh* I hope they'll come around someday. And if not...at least I have the support of my siblings and my friends.

A wee bit late...

2010-04-07T03:16:00.002-04:00

Update on my life so far...
- Parents officially divorced
- Work has calmed down a bit since inspection
- More then ever people are trying to play matchmaker for me
- Still amused at how crazy life can be

Boring details aside concerning the above life has been up and down. I'd like to say mostly ups, but let's face it reality not so much like the fairy tale I thought as a child it would be. Then again, the magical moments pop up just randomly enough for me to keep believing the seemingly impossible. So I can't say the downs have entirely been...well down.

I'm happy to report the whole working on being more positive is really having an effect on me. I'm less concerned with the viewpoints others have regarding my mental and physical parts, and the more laid back fun me is returning. I've been able to push past the heart pounding, hot red face blushy nervous when talking to strangers thing.

Case and point...I went to a Ren Faire a few weeks ago and saw this man with the most...I mean THE most gorgeous hair. It was long, dark and very shiny. Honestly, I thought it was a wig. After commenting to a friend of mine about my curiosity she jokingly told me to go and find out. So I did. Although I think she meant more of a verbal inquisition, I sorta didn't just ask...I felt his hair. LOL Much to his surprise of course. I commented how lovely his hair was, in more masculine terms of course, he kinda shrugged and moved on.

Weird? Yes, I'm perfectly aware that's not what is considered proper social behavior. Oh well.

Cleared out my room of clutter. A few odds and ends, but I believe by the end of my break my little apartment will be spiffy looking. Already I have tons of ideas for fun projects like painting, cake decorating, finally learning those pieces I've been wanting to learn for so long. Insert longing sigh for a baby grand piano....glancing over at keyboard forlornly. It is a sturdy keyboard...it'll do.

I watched the movie "Julie & Julia". Wasn't sure I would like it, but it was alright. Not one I'd add to my meager collection, but alright. At first I had the crazy idea of trying what the character Julie did, but then my rational side took over. No I'm not going to blog about my failed attempts to cook french cuisine or vow to cook hundreds of dishes in a year. I have neither the stomach or deep pockets for such an adventure. However it did inspire me to focus on one thing to improve upon within one year. So my vow is to become less cluttered, more organized and less messy. I noticed when life is hectic my home is hectic and I'd like to come home to peace.

Peace and tranquility, at least for now, is coming home to a clean house. No 3 day old dirty dishes still in the sink, laundry actually in the laundry room, and my room clean and straight. I want to walk into my home and smell my favorite candle "Clean Linen" and not trash that needs to be taken out. Gross I know...like I said when life is hectic my home reflects it.

Also, I'm working towards being 90% gluten and diary product free. The more I read about the effects of gluten and dairy in the human body the more I'm inclined to give it up...not entirely mind you. The point is a healthy lifestyle. Found this awesome cook book "Wheat-Free Recipes & Menus" by Carol Fenster, Ph.D. I like how it gives you detailed instructions, ideas for menus and substitutes. The plan is to slowly wean my brother and I off of a mostly gluten and dairy diet to a more fresh fruit, veggies, lean meat and low dairy diet.

Bed time.

I've contemplated recording my singing voice and posting it...but how pretentious is that? :p

A moment of silence

2009-11-11T23:11:00.003-05:00

I promised myself repeatedly that this wouldn't be one of those places I vented, poured out my soul, etc. However I'm breaking that promise. I can only vent so much to the people in my life. Especially when I haven't allowed myself to truly vent. Heck, I haven't even cried over it yet, I won't let myself...I guess because it would make the reality of this way too sharp.

After 30+ years of marriage my parents have called it quits. I do have to applaud them for being mostly amiable about this for the past year. Granted it's been majorly strained, they still live in the same house. The pettiness is just now starting to emerge so kudos to them for taking this long. Yeah I know, someone random person who comes across this will think "Yeah big whoop. Happens all the time, everyday...get over yourself". And I guess that's one of the reasons I don't really vent about this to people. Honestly who am I to complain about this?

Screw it. I'm pissed, sad, frustrated and I want to cry more then anything but I won't let myself. I can't. Usually I'm pretty good at venting my feelings and then working to solve or deal with issues. For some reason I refuse to give in...like the only thing keeping me going is not letting it all out. So every now and then I let out a bit of the pressure because let's face it I'd prefer not to blow. I can't afford too. Every day I have to, not get to, have to put aside my own crap and be positive.

I just want to for once stop being so dang positive. Then I think, I'm already negative enough, then I'm told I'm one of the most positive people....GEEZ! Perhaps because the majority of my negative thoughts are kept for my inner conversations. The ones where I fume silently while I have a smile pasted on my face talking about how exciting it is to learn about Parts of Speech.

There is so much pent up anger towards both of my parents there are times when I'm alone I can't see straight. I try to avoid those times because I don't like me when I'm angry. It's not really me. As I've told my roomie/older bro I refuse to go back to their house unless it's to visit for the day, see our neighbor or to pick up our younger siblings. I cannot stay in that house anymore. I spend most of my time upstairs with mom, mostly because I can't breathe when I'm downstairs where dad is. Literally, I cannot breath. Most people would chalk that up to having some sort of panic attack or nerves...I know differently.

I cannot fathom the idiocy of two people who claim to have loved each other for over 30 years and within a year practically loathe each other. And don't give me that crap of "well I think you're father/mother is a great person..." BLAH BLAH BLAH! Bullshit. If you thought they were such a great person you'd be willing to work out your issues you should have dealt with BEFORE getting married.

People wonder why I'm cautious about dating/being in a relationship. It's because I'm not willing to settle for less then what I want/need. There is no way in hell that I'm going to commit myself to someone who is unwilling to deal with issues or be honest and communicate with me. I don't care how hot the guy is or how successful he is. If he can't sit me down and discuss things with me or admit when one or both of us are out of bounds then I don't want him.

The man I marry, if I ever do, will have someone who is committed, loving, honest, caring and willing to be at fault. And I don't mean a doormat. Someone who will not constantly bring up past mistakes. Someone who loves to laugh and have fun. This guy is going to have an emotional basket-case at times, he gets to let her vent and then listen to the words that follow. Because all the venting means is "I'm frustrated I need to say a bunch of things that don't make sense or have nothing to do with the issue. Once I'm done I can deal with things." And the venting doesn't last long...we're talking minutes here folks.

Why is it so hard for people to be up front? Why do people not deal with issues before committing to a relationship? Why bother marrying if even the smallest twinge of a red flag pops up? That flag is an indication something is amiss and you need to freaking deal with it.

I need to work this out. I can't keep things bottled up. Even as I typed all this up I'm wrestling with myself. I want so badly....so badly to burst into tears. I want even more to shout at my parents that they're a couple of idiots. Mostly...out of all of this...I want things to be they way they were when I was young and oblivious. How does that saying go? Ignorance is bliss?

2009-10-02T02:55:00.002-04:00

"I like Democracy...when it's on my side"- one of my 9 year old students. Sorry, he was jaded prior to entering my classroom. However we are working on the sarcasm!

I feel like such a lazy bum, and not in a good way. It's 3am, and I need to be up in oh...3 hours. Yeah...tomorrow's...today's...gonna be fuuuun. Good thing I'm a somewhat smart cookie and planned fun events that require me to do little but supervise.

Ok, random question time. Why is it that no one believes I'm perfectly content to be single? Part of me wants to respond back with a "have you seen the unwashed miscreants that live around here?", but that would honestly apply to my hickville hometown. Here....eh prospects are few and far between. Honestly, I don't want a guy, not really. Being "one of the guys" is so much more relaxing. I get to banter freely without worry of anyone developing a crush on me or vise versa.

Oh! So how proud of me are you that I got a library card? I haven't had one since high school, well not counting my student ID in college. So technically haven't had a library card for 4 years. In an act of desperation I went to the local, and apparently newest and brightest library, got my card and checked out a dvd on volcanoes. Which my lazy butt should have done last week. Eh...in the end I have one and I've watched it twice. I really think that will be my new place to grade/plan. Barnes N' Noble is nice and all for the people watching, but this feeling of something happy-ish came over me in the library. I think it was the amount of books, which are in a sense free, that were around me.

My brain is shot, need sleep. I leave you with another quote by another boy from my class...ah how innocent they are, but what whoppers they say without realization.

"Yeah, I slept with a 16 year old girl before. I didn't really know her."....and this is a child I teach. *snort* (story at a later date when I'm more coherent and forget how to use impressive vocab. :-p )

Start..stop...start...stop...

2009-09-09T23:31:00.003-04:00

This year really hasn't felt like it's taken off yet. I suppose due to the random holidays/days off and now the conference this weekend. We leave tomorrow and I'm actually looking forward to it. Shh! Don't tell! :-p

3 hours of planning...eep. My kitty sat on my art table staring at me as I typed away. She kept chirping at me looking all sorts of curious with her big eyes. I looked at a recent picture of us and our eyes were almost the same shade of hazel. It was interesting.

Now I'm packing and both girls are going crazy. They do this whenever someone bring out a suitcase or does laundry or cleans...or pretty much does anything that doesn't involve sitting. Silly kitties.

Seriously considering bringing my gerbils to work for classroom pets. I'm not so sure though...they do have a rather large cage. It's a question of where to put them where they won't be the immediate focal point....probably not going to happen. Although I might bring them in for a visit or two.

I'm rewatching my favorite serious for the millionth time. Firefly is one of those things I turn on for background noise, but laugh at all the funny parts just like the first time.

*sigh* Enough procrastination...must pack.

Fun awaits at the end of tomorrow's work day. :D

Hey hey it's only life....

2009-09-06T05:56:00.003-04:00

Sat down and created a financial plan to help me be mostly debt free by April 2010. Why is it satisfying to see how soon I'll be able to actually start putting money into a saving's account? I'm actually not that much in debt, in comparison to most people my age. I have a car loan(not after this month baby!), student loans and some taxes to pay off(one of those expensive learning situations). Honestly, not that bad. Plus, my credit is good and I don't own any "real" credit cards. (Don't plan on owning any either.)

I have a debit card that acts like a credit card, but I do my best not to use it. I make sure I pay things on time and pay more then the minimum. So pardon me whilst I act somewhat like a dork and rejoice in my having a plan all worked out.

Now, I get to work on being more organized with filing paperwork. Most of the time I just jot down the date my bill was paid, stick it back in the envelope then pile it on my desk or in one of my drawers. Which reminds me, must purchase a paper shredder sometime soon. I haven't felt like a true responsible adult (despite what I'm told) in a long time. Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel really is making me feel deliriously happy.

Which brings about another decision...conclusion...or something regarding my status as a single mid-twentier (yes, it's a word in my vocabulary). I'm 99% happy to be on my own. Sure I'd love that husband-kids-pet dream, but it's not the foremost in my mind. I guess I've finally cemented that 1)being single ain't so bad 2)I have absolutely no interest in anyone and 3)it would be horrible timing right now. Not to say I wouldn't welcome someone right now, but really...26 years of waiting? I'm back to being comfortable in my own skin to the fullest extent.

.....completely blanked on what I was going to say next. Insomnia is not my friend. We've been arguing since 1am...it's now 6am...I think I'm about to win. lol

I leave you with a picture from my trip to Charleston last year...it made me giggle.

Quentin Tarantino & Jane Austen...not often found together

2009-08-30T00:08:00.005-04:00

Quick synopses; In Nazi-occupied France during World War II, a group of Jewish-American soldiers known as "The Basterds" are chosen specifically to spread fear throughout the Third Reich by scalping and brutally killing Nazis. They cross paths with a Jewish refugee who coincidentally is planning on taking out a sizable chunk of the Nazi regime as well.

"Inglourious Basterds" was rather enjoyable. Granted there was a bit more blood involved then is my usual taste, but still I liked it. Brad Pitt's character had me in stitches when he "spoke" eye-tal-yon with an obvious super gravely deep American accent. Despite noticeable changes to history Tarantino did a pretty good job keeping the feel of the time right. The way each group, the Basterds and the Jewish refugee, plan to take out the 3rd Reich goes both smoothly and not so smoothly. It felt like watching a movie, but I liked that I was caught up enough in the storyline it didn't feel too much like "just" watching a movie. Two thumbs up Mr. Tarantino.

Recent developments in my family dynamics has led to some interesting stories. Not really I would go into in detail anywhere in the virtual world. What I will say is that it has provided me with enough ironic humor to last a lifetime. I'm beginning to rather enjoy the hysterically tragic and tragically hysteric tales that are repeated to me on an almost weekly basis.

Basically it has become the type of situation that I just have to shake my head at and laugh or I'll break down, curl up in a ball on the corner of my bed against the wall and bawl my eyes out. So, I choose to find the humor...not too bad of a coping mechanism. Could be worse, I could have an addiction(no chocolate doesn't count) or be codependent and clingy. *cringe* Besides laughing helps. It brings a smile to my face, lightens my mood and doesn't go against my happy personality. :)

So I leave you with a quote from Jane Austen, one of my favorite authors;

"For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbors, and laugh at them in our turn?"- Mr. Bennet, Pride and Prejucide

I have GOT to try this!

2009-08-25T18:16:00.003-04:00

One of the blogs I follow is "Cake Wrecks". An awesome site dedicated to showing off the disatrious, albeit hilarious, attempts at cake decorating. Every now and then there is a post displaying the incredibly creative side of cake decor. For all you Joss Whedon fans, this will make you smile.

(Dr.) Horrible Sunday Sweets

I love baking and have always wanted to try my hand at making a "fancy" cake. So in the future, hopefully the near one...not the later kind because I tend to forget to do things if it's not the near one...I will be making one or all of these yummy treats. I'm thinking the Captain Hammer cake first, it's the easiest. Honestly I'm scared to death to try the "Ph.D. in Horribleness" cake.

The lady who made these cakes adds her own little humorous touch to the recipe instructions. I especially love the name for the Captain Hammer cake " Cheesy on the Outside". No, actual cheese is not involved. It's a 3 layer cake; yellow, chocolate, yellow...inspired by the quote "And sometimes there's a third even deeper level and that one's the same as the top surface level" Like pie...hee hee.

Aboslutely!

2009-08-11T21:39:00.004-04:00

We're No Angels (1955)

Three convicts Joseph (Bogart), Albert (Ray) and Jules(Ustinov) all escape from Devil's Island prison to a local French colonial town on Christmas Eve. They end up in a store that is owned by a poor, but nice family (Felix, the timid shopkeeper, Amelie, his down-to-earth wife and their naive 18 year old daughter Isabella). The convicts plan on "cleaning" the poor shopkeeper out of money, merchandise and pretty much anything not nailed down. Under the guise of parolees they offer to fix the roof and work around the shop. Soon, the men find themselves caring for the family and righting several wrongs. Humorous and fun, this movie is definitely a personal favorite.

Bogart, Ray and Ustinov are phenomenal together. They play off each other so well I find myself forgetting they really aren't a conartist and two murderers. Bogart brings the swagger and brains, Ray the brawn and amorous persona, whilst Jules offers his wit and perfect timing.

I laugh every time I watch "We're No Angels". My absolute favorite scene is when the men are helping to prepare for Christmas Eve dinner. Joseph is preparing the food wearing Isabella's frilly pink apron. She enters complimenting him on how the pink brings out the color in his eyes. Right as she's saying this Jules walks in and starts smirking. As Isabella exits Joseph holds up a rather scary looking cross between a butcher's knife and a machete, threatening Jules to say something. Which of course he does much to my amusement, this brings about some of the best quotes in the film;

(Joseph walks up to Jules, who is putting flowers in vase, still wearing the frilly pink apron holding knife/machete looking annoyed)

Joseph:Say something. Go ahead. Say anything at all.

Jules: I've got nothing to say, nothing at all. (pause) Except.

Joseph: Except what?

(Jules turns holding a flower)

Jules: Joseph, it's true. It does bring out the color in your beautiful, big, brown eyes.

(Jules plants flower in Joseph's shirt pocket then clasps hands together. Joseph starts to bring the knife/machete up as Jules backs away.)

Jules: Oh, to be a painter.

(Jules leaves the room smirking and holding back laughter.)

Addicted...

2009-08-06T18:50:00.003-04:00

I'm addicted to downloading sheet music. Rather proud of myself for finding pieces that are challenging. I really need to work on relearning music theory, at least for piano/vocals. Remembering to count has always been difficult for me, but I'm working on that. My keyboard doesn't do justice to more then half of the pieces, but it will do until I get a concert grand...or a baby concert grand...lol At this point I'd settle for the 20something year old piano with a cracked sound board and keys that stick back at my parent's place. It was the piano I used growing up, learning how to play.

How I miss being able to sit down and touch those ivory keys. Yes, real ivory keys. There is a difference between the plastic they use now and true ivory. No, I'm not supporting killing elephants for their ivory. I'm just saying, there is a distinct difference in how the keys feel. Or, it could just be me. Either way....

So far "Falling Slowly" is coming along. The printer is so low on ink that when I printed the pages the left side was so faded. I spent about 40 minutes at the computer with the pages making sure I could read the notes. In the end so worth it. Still searching for more pieces, like I said I'm addicted.

I'm hoping that when I go back to work I can sneak into the music room and play for a few hours here and there. Crossing my fingers on that one. There is a piano in the assembly hall, but I don't want to be heard. I play for my own enjoyment mostly, that and I get incredibly shy when others hear me. I suppose the shyness stems from my need to not be in the spotlight. Mostly though it's for me.

Playing is a way to release. Just simply release. There is that thrill that runs through me when I sit down. The feeling of "it's time to get down to business" and then getting lost in whatever piece it is. I really, really, really want to own my own piano...I'd make space in my apartment for it.

A quick one

2009-07-18T10:53:00.004-04:00

Recently acquired The Frames album "The Cost" solely for the purpose of having the song "Falling Slowly". I completely and utterly "fell" for the song, if you'll pardon the unintended pun. It's such a beautiful, achingly haunting song. This song evokes emotions I try to suppress, for example sadness, because I don't like them. "The Cost" will definitely be one of my listen to when I need to release albums.

The whole album is turning out to be one giant lyrical heaven for me. Some lyrics I disagree with; for example how we have all the time to do things...which I don't think we do. However, that's beside the point.

The Frames are a band you either really like or really don't get. In a way I'm reminded of U2, but seeing as how I can listen to all of The Frames and find U2 tediously repetitive...yeah inconsistent me.

Anyways, I'm adding "Falling Slowly" to my playlist. Listen, enjoy, and agree with me. :-p

Feels like work...

2009-07-10T23:47:00.002-04:00

I've been back home, my home, for a few days now. Just been too lazy to get on here and actually post anything. I'm funny like that...fickle probably would be more fitting. I'm fickle when it comes to things like writing in a journal or posting on a blog. It's more of a mood sort of thing. So anyways, a highlight of how things went, events, etc.

- Visit home was awkward due to tension between parental units
-Trip up to NC with mom and sis was a blast, love that relationship with mum is growing tighter
-Need to have a stern talking to with expedia...they are not my favorite people right now...nor is the hotel we almost stayed at (if you advertise smoke free....then please BE SMOKE FREE!!)
-Will rant about hotel some other time when I feel like venting
-Camp was up and down; still working on getting over favoritism/idiosyncrasies of people in charge
-Still, I loved my time there; so much love and acceptance for those who the world views as lesser, insignificant and unlovable just because they are disabled
-Shared a wheelchair camper with a new counselor who was much younger, but wow she was awesome!
-This year's 2nd session was HUGE; 64 counselors(30 were brand new) and 60 campers, not including kitchen, rec, etc staff
-Found out some guy hit my car, that my baby bro was driving, so there is $4000 in damage done to the car
-Upswing I have a sweet sports car to drive around courtesy of the guy's insurance company
-Trip back was very nice, finally got a couple pictures of the waterfall I've been wanting to take for years
-Another few awkward days at parent's house
-Scoot(my sis) is visiting till sunday, we're going to see Cirque Du Soleil tomorrow, Woot!
-Pool party/celebrating Scoot's b-day Sunday which will be a blast(have goggles so I can stay underwater longer...its one of my quirks can't be underwater for long unless I can see)
-oh! saw fireworks whilst at camp, a few burning embers lodged in my left eye prompting a next day visit to an urgent care place...looked like a pirate for 2 days. (Aaarrg!)
-Yes I will be posting pictures. :-p

I have a thing for architecture...not the best shot but this is a beautiful building

Me as a pirate, 1st day with the patch and it's the night of the dance...LOL It would be me.

This is Jocques; he was the monkey I found at Cracker Barrel. We found a few things in common.

The view behind the cabin mum stayed at on the "camp grounds"

On my way to meet up with some friends

I love when sunlight filters through trees, very beautiful

Part of what I was blessed to see daily

Yes, the waterfall I'd been wanting a picture of for years...finally!

Would have had more of the house, but people were outside

The reflection is beautiful, it's all so green

Vacation

2009-06-23T12:41:00.004-04:00

I'm off to my hometown for a few days before heading up to NC with my mum and sis. I cannot wait for Camp Joy. Honestly it is the highlight of my year. This being my 10th year and the 30th year of Camp Joy just makes it even more exciting. I'll be back within a week or two and post a couple pictures.

You have no idea how super excited I am for this!

(insert happy dance)

Pictures...

2009-06-20T23:21:00.004-04:00

I've been looking through several blogs looking for interesting ones to follow. There have been a lot that are photography based. So I thought why not I'll put up a few of mine.

View of the city at 6:45am

Sunset at the beach; I love clouds

Another sunset beach picture

Took this out the back of my car...no i was not driving. :)

Through the canopy at a state park

I literally hung out the window for this shot.

Now if only there was a camera that could withstand my abuse....

Movie Review Time! aaaaaand.....rambling

2009-06-20T22:21:00.004-04:00

Synopsis; When the manager of a retirement home in the Irish countryside asks her younger sister, Ellie (Hayley Atwell), to run the facility during the holidays, four mischievous residents take advantage of the power vacuum and turn the place upside down. As Ellie learns to take charge, the residents also come to terms with their own troubles.

I decided to take a break from my usual type of movie to watch this one. "How About You" turned out to be an awesome movie. Heartwarming, sad, hilarious and interesting in it's approach to aging. I found myself identifying with the main character, Ellie, and her inability to come to terms with certain aspects of becoming an adult. Even identified with the crabby retirees.

Aging is something I didn't seem to mind at all a few years ago. Now as I get closer to 30 I find on occasion small pangs of uncertainty emerge. I do not plan on being one of those women who is ashamed of her gray hair (they're silver anyways :-p) and dyes it within an inch of its life. Nor do I plan to be one who laments over wrinkles and saggy body parts. Not to sound contradictory, those pangs I refer to really have to do with wanting to be married and have a few children....you know the whole biological clock ticking thing.

Not that I'm in a hurry to be married. It would be nice to meet, fall in love, get married, etc. It is something I look forward to having someday. My future right now is a toss up between being set and being uncertain. Maybe I should take my parent's neighbor's offer and let him find me "a nice Jewish boy". :-p (He's Jewish btw.)

Eh, whatever happens, happens. It's a relief to be at the point where if what I desire unfolds then YAY, if not then okay. Besides being a bridesmaid isn't so bad. I already have 3 dresses, just 25 more to go and I'll have that lady beat from the movie "27 Dresses". I think it would be fun to be in a themed wedding. And at least the dresses I have can be used again, shopping is not on my list of fun things to do.

*laugh* so yeah...the movie was great!

The Human Condition (Part 1?)

2009-06-20T15:16:00.003-04:00

The Human Condition; a phrase that piqued my curiosity, mostly due to ongoing events. Like any mid-20ier I googled it. Laugh if you will, it's not like I have a bevy of psychologists on hand to dissect it for me. The result, of course, was a link to Wikipedia.com.

The human condition refers to the distinctive features of human existence. As mortal entities, there are a series of biologically determined events that are common to most human lives, and some that are inevitable for all. The ongoing way in which humans react to or cope with these events is the human condition. However, understanding the precise nature and scope of what is meant by the human condition is itself a philosophical problem.

Biologically determined events that are mostly common and some inevitable....okay. Ongoing way we react or cope to the events....sure thing. But understanding the actual definition of the human condition is a "philosophical problem"...allow me a moment to say "DUH" and move on....

I don't claim to be incredibly knowledgeable about the psychology. I suppose dabble is a better description. So anything after this is strictly my musings; yes you can laugh. :)

What really brought all this up is the crap going on in my family and my own head. I'm an analyzer. It's what I do. I think things to death sometimes (although in my defense I've improved). Why do things go the way they do? If you're a faith based person, like myself, the instant response is "everything happens for a reason". Okay, firm believer in that...this time I began thinking about the why.

Why am I content to be an observer when 2/3's of me is jumping up and down to be out there? Could it be a whole nature vs. nurture type of thing? When I was younger I didn't know what social fear was. I wasn't afraid to make friends with random people. I wasn't afraid to be my own person without worrying about what others thought of me. Right about 15 things changed. Outside influences taught me shut my mouth, that my opinion wasn't worth it. I grew to know self pity, low self-esteem and even how to keep myself "safe" by pushing people away.

It wasn't one single event that helped me into that place. I wonder sometimes if I had a stronger core group of friends would I have gone through that process for so long? If I had just kept my mouth shut, hadn't defended certain people, not been homeschooled...would I have been as low as I was?

I've spent the past 4 years really working on pushing past all that. The last year really has helped. Maybe my younger self is resurfacing? Friends, to a certain extent, who have really been there for me has helped.

Where am at now? Still growing, still learning, still working on moving past the old me. Each day is a surprise waiting. Each day is another chance to try something new, create relationships, push beyond my boundaries.

Honestly had no idea where I was going from the beginning of this thing to now. :-p I rarely do. Time to stop before my ramblings turn into pages and pages. Besides, my hunger pangs are getting too big to ignore.

Branching Out

2009-06-18T23:52:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I'm really amazed at how outgoing I can be. I suppose it surprises me because I went through a period, rather long period, where I was rather shy...content to be in my own skin and have a select few I claimed as friends. Last night I was going stir crazy and HAD to get out. Called up a new acquaintance and ended up going to "Trivia Night" at a local bar/restaurant. (Inebriated people are amusing to watch.) Met a few new people there who made the experience fun. Halfway through the evening I notice this guy across the room who looked really familiar. I spent the rest of the evening staring and going "Naw...that's not him". (Apparently there was a girl there I knew too, another story. Do NOT get me rabbit trailing.)

Turns out it was the guy I knew. Eventually, I worked up the nerve and sort of reintroduced myself. The guy remembered me, which I found interesting since I tend to think I'm forgettable(another story/issue to work on). He was just as cool and laid back as he had been three years ago. The group I was with disbanded and I ended up tagging along with the guy. I actually invited myself, but I felt comfortable enough to do so. Which I normally don't do because I feel when you invite yourself it's a bit rude; depending on the circumstance.

So the rest of my night was spent with him and the remaining members of his group. I have to say I had an incredible night. We ended up discussing Hitler conspiracies, the "don't ask, don't tell" military policies, books...thoroughly enjoyed it! Being surrounded by intelligent people who love learning, sharing their intelligence and having friendly debates about "hot topics" is one of my favorite pastimes. My evening o' incredible fun was all because I branched out and decided to have fun, go gung-ho and all that.

Moving past the shy period has been so refreshing. I still have my shy moments, but I find they are lessening. It's something I continue to work on, after all life is just one big learning process.

I'm a lyrical gansta...

2009-06-17T13:14:00.004-04:00

Okay so I'm not in any way implying I have any lyric writing abilities. Yes, I've done my fair share of attempts but those don't see the light of day. :)

No what I mean is I love lyrics. I fall in love with a song based on lyrics, vocals and melody. Yes in that order. Words are so powerful. Think about it, what moves you the most? I also fall in love with songs that happen to coincide with events, emotions, etc. that I'm experiences or have experienced. Basically, I can relate to them.

In no way do I claim to be a Miley Cyrus fan. However, her song "The Climb" has some decent wording. I identify with the song mostly because it's similar to my outlook on life. Enjoy the life you have, the adventure of everyday. If you spend all your time preparing or looking at just the end, how can you enjoy the ride? Also, I like challenges. I really do want to move that mountain, sometimes I create a mountain just so I can push through it.

Of course there is the occasional "mindless enjoyment" song. You know, the one that has that catchy beat, lyrics that really don't mean anything and a smooth voice. (ie most Basshunter songs) Those are the songs I like when doing tasks that require me to focus. I'm from a big family, noise is comforting.

I love how songs/groups/artists are grouped; indie, pop, folk, indie-rock, country, country-hip hop....really the list I've found is um...nothing short of interesting. I categorize by how the song makes me feel, motivates or comforts me. See, 3 simple groups.

Music is a passion, a purely enjoyed for the fun of it passion, but a passion nonetheless. I do have a challenging time recalling song titles or artists who sang them. If I sat and made listening to music into something I have dissect, analyze then they wouldn't be worth my time.

Huh...

2009-06-17T04:10:00.002-04:00

Where did these come from? They just came out earlier today, no particular events, moods, thoughts or imaginings prompting me to write. Just, an urge to write words that came to mind.

I have no words of wisdom. No words of encouragement.

I'm used up and tired. Can't offer when I have none to give.

Say what you want to say. You'll say it anyway.

Numb, so comfortably numb. It's all coming in at once.

Done, I'm incredibly done. Peace comes with a hefty price.

Smile at me. Raise hell with me.

Perhaps I'm blind to it. Perhaps if I were more.

Not into this pity game. It's done and overrated.

Welcome to life. It's a party and a half.

____________________________________________________________________

What Would You Find?

If you took a look inside, what would you find?
Optimism, self awareness, shame, and fear.
Loathing, adoring, loving, weak and fathomless.
Brave, strong, angry and small.

If you took a look inside, what would you find?
Something more then what is portrayed,
Something less then what is shown.
Something bigger then itself.

If you took a look inside, what would you find?
A child lost, alone, curious and wild.
An adult confident, problematic and impish.
A creature desiring to be freed, to be seen.
An enigma, perhaps unsolvable?

If you took a look inside, what would you find?
Would you see what you wanted to see?
Would you be surprised?
Would you turn away in disgust?
Would you embrace the true nature?

If you took a look inside, what would you find?

newest musical obsession-ish

2009-06-16T16:14:00.004-04:00

Welcome to Jonas Erik Altberg aka Basshunter, the Swedish hottie who is quickly rising to the top of the music charts. Now, I'm not a fan of techno per say...however I do appreciate the style. Some might say my interest begins and ends with his physical side. Okay no, he isn't some disfigured beast and I do admit to being attracted. However in my defense I heard before I saw. So :-p.

I already have the album "Now You're Gone" and I have to say I am really enjoying it. He does have a pleasant voice. The songs are your typical love gone right/love gone wrong, but a few that throw you off the dawson-creeky angsty type songs such as "DOTA". I play one MMO so I appreciate the gamer behind the artist.

Recent tidbit I found out is that Basshunter has Tourette's. I find it admirable that he has overcome and is not afraid to talk about it. Good on ya kiddo! (I say as if I'm significantly older then him lol) I'm looking forward to more from him.

And for droolage purposes because I am a hot-blooded female who likes the man candy;

Is it the hair?

Or is it the stunning blue eyes?

How about the whole package, voice and all?

Where to begin...end...????

2009-06-16T15:46:00.003-04:00

I had everything ready to go. Paperwork ready to be sent in and my year in Hangul set. Then I find out that I goofed on my W2 form and owe a nice bundle to Uncle Sam. So, my plans to go abroad to Hangul are canceled. I'm bummed, kinda kicked myself for a bit...I've accepted it's not happening.

Perhaps in the future I'll be over there, who knows. God's funny like that. I couldn't figure out why I was procrastinating so much, now I know. I do have an opportunity to go abroad, only this moving would be permanent. I'm not saying much about it for now just know that I'm continuing this blog. Only under different themes, because that's me randomosity.

So long Hangul and thanks for all the kimchi. (yes I did just reference "Hitchhiker's Guide...")

Oops...sorry

2008-12-22T23:16:00.002-05:00

It's been too long since I last posted anything on here. I'll be honest, I've majorly been slacking on getting my stuff together for Hangul. However that is a thing of the past. As soon as I'm back home I'm sending paperwork off, applying for my passport and getting back to studying the language. So, no more slacking. No more procrastination. No more just talking about it.

I'm going. Scary, exhilarating, nerve wracking, and just plain awesome. If this thing works out I might be a permanent overseas teacher...who knows.

Another movie review...

2008-09-30T17:33:00.002-04:00

"Going Crazy Waiting" ended fairly okay. The whole thing was a bit angsty for me. So I decided to try another Korean movie..."My Boyfriend is Type B".

"The premise for this amusing comedy revolves around the wacky notion that a person's blood type determines one's personality and consequently one's compatibility with the opposite sex. So what happens when you throw a soft-spoken type-A girl together with a brash type-B boy? Romantic comedy gold, if this movie is any indication."-mysoju.com

I liked it, there was still the angsty moments, but I'm getting used to those. It was cute and I enjoyed this film immensely. Definitely one I would recommend for anyone who ever dated, is dating or might date someone who is a bit of a "playa" with a heart of gold...okay in this case a VERY hidden heart of gold.

Not sure what I'll be watching next, but I will be making a korean dish using the kimchi I've had in my fridge for um...a long time. I don't remember the name and I'm hoping I didn't lose the recipe. Will let ya know how it turns out. :)

Dramas...

2008-09-14T16:01:00.002-04:00

I've been watching several Korean dramas/comedies over the past week or so. Similar to American dramas/comedies I can see some repetitiveness happening. Overall though I like their shows and movies. I like them even more when I pick out a word or a phrase I know. It makes me feel all sorts of special.

One movie that I'm in the midst of watching is called "Going Crazy Waiting"/ "The Longest 24 Months" (don't know the Korean name).

It is about four couples who are heartbroken over their pending separation. The men are entering into the mandatory 2 year military service requirement of Korean men. The boys are worried their girlfriends will now have an excuse to meet other men. The girls are also having a hard time getting used to living without their boyfriends. So far its a bit angsty, but enjoyable.

I'll let you know how I feel about the rest of the movie.

Japanese-American B-day

2008-08-30T18:51:00.003-04:00

One of my students had a birthday party today at a local ice skating rink. Usually I don't go to functions involving my students outside of school. However; I had the time, he and his mother begged me and I wanted his mother (who is going back to Japan for a few months) to know that I care about her son, not just his academics. The gift I was given, as a thank you for coming, is so pretty!

Lovely!

It's so pretty!

Closer look...

The gift was the handkerchief(it was wrapped around a water bottle)

As for the ice skating no I did not die...as you can tell. I actually made it around the rink several times and didn't fall! The wall is still my friend, especially for stopping purposes. However the last couple times around I skated without using the wall for support! A couple of my other students came and used the walker-thingyss. Which let me tell you is highly unfair! There should be adult sized walker-thingys for people like me....it's a conspiracy. Someone in the skating rink world wants to torment me.

Three of my students thought it funny to stop in a sort of u-shaped pattern RIGHT in front of me. Ha ha...~.~ Nice try in attempting to make me fallon my derrier silly,small beings....just remember I am a major factor in determining your passing of the 4th grade.

My apartment is beginning to look like one of those kindergarten or spanish classes where everything is labeled. I really need to get moving on the Korean language books I picked up a bit ago. Perhaps I'll pop in the CD on my way to/from work. I'm continuously fascinated with Asian cultures, especially Korean...which is a good thing come to think of it. :-P (Yes I'z=major dork.)

The obsession becomes mine....almost

2008-08-17T02:45:00.002-04:00

The Olympics...

Yes, I have been sucked into being torn about who I should cheer for...Do I cheer for the good ole USA? Or for the incredibly hardworking Chinese? Then again I should show some support for Korea....

See this is the problem with liking so many different cultures. Although I'm incredibly impressed with Michael Phelps...geez what is this kid on? It has to be something besides the incredibly long limbs. 8 medals, I'm very much impressed.

I stumbled across this picture of the cute characters China has all over the place. So now it is my background.I'm still working on remembering each character's name and then saying "Beijing Welcomes You" in Mandarin. My American tongue does not wish to wrap around the phrase. Give me Spanish or Italian I can almost sound native with those, no this does not mean I'm fluent. Used to be fluent in Spanish, but then my one year in an American school beat that out of me.

Speaking of speaking another language...yeah I had to pause there too on how I just worded that....I'm working on learning a bit of Korean before I get over there. I'm hoping the company I'm going with will give me a bit of a crash course, if not I have my Jenna and my books. I'm actually fascinated by Korean culture. So if anyone knows of some books, music, etc. that would help to educate me further I'd be ever so grateful. :)

Have fun~

South Korea/ Hangul

2008-08-14T21:11:00.005-04:00

Huh, how to start. Beginning a new blog is a bit challenging. There is always the pressure of do I say something witty, serious,....what? Ah, I'll do what I usually do and wing it.

So I'm super excited to have this opportunity to go to another country and continue to do my dream job, teaching. Really, what more could anybody ask for? The idea of being thousands of miles from my family, friends and all that is comfy familiar does intimidate me a bit. However I loves me an adventure. I also love learning about new cultures. What a way to learn, just dive in. :-P

From now and even when I get over there I'm educating myself on Korean culture. Utilizing the ever incredibly intelligent in all things Asian, my friend Jenna will be helping me learn the language, recognize signs amongst other things.

I'm not particularly fond of spicy food so Jenna thought it a great idea to prepare my tender tastebuds. So, we actually made Kimchi. Now...apparently this particular dish is eaten with EVERY SINGLE MEAL so we figured why not get me used to it now? Ha ha....yeah first taste was yummy....then the blazing fire of death came right after. Milk is my friend. Next time we use less red chili pepper. Thank goodness for Mr. Mee's restaurant, Bi Bim Bop is yummy and I'm okay with cucumber kimchi in small amounts. Here are some pictures for your amusement....

I'm really just excited about the whole upcoming experience. Stay tuned for more randomness. :-P